Doing better than just OK

 

The year 2020 must have been the most unusual leap year ever! So many people have suffered not only due to the pandemic but other issues. With us in Europe, we had problems with refugees in Greece and France amongst many other matters.

For me, I had a personal challenge – my husband, David who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer fell over in an odd accident at home in late November. He has been ill, undergoing chemotherapy for 4 years and I was his caregiver. There were good and not so good days but we managed to cherish every day like very good mates. His cancer markers were quite stable but that fall broke his skull which caused his eventual death. People suffering from cancer go through pain and discomfort then linger for a while. That was not what David had wished for. He always said that he will not die of cancer, and he didn’t!

 It was a shock for me because that very morning before he fell, we were outside the house busy reinstalling lamps that were taken off due to renovations. I momentarily came in to make lunch and then the fall. I heard a thud, then found him totally unconscious and bleeding. Whilst the paramedics were trying to revive him, I held his hand and he firmly held mine, then slowly released. That was the last time he was conscious, so it was his way of saying goodbye to me as he never came around again. I was with him in his last hours in hospital and I knew he didn’t suffer any pain. He died peacefully.

The days that followed kept me busy with what needed to be done. Children were coming home from London and Toronto and because of the Coronavirus restrictions I had to provide proof for their travel. I had to get an official document from the hospital showing that their father had died. Then they had to be quarantined in Frankfurt have their tests done before they can come to be with me.

Bereavement is a consuming emotional roller-coaster. Grief comes at the most random moments. After the funeral and the children have left, it was just me at home. Christmas came and gone without its true meaning to me.  Without rhyme nor reason, I was finding myself engulfed in mournful emotions that tears flow like a broken tap. The grieving was causing me distress which I needed to address. My daughter arranged for me to have some therapy and got me the Calm app which helped me massively.  I am also quite spiritual so I do pray fervently.

To make some sense into my new life, I needed to have some structure, so I began my daily walks to the Friedhof – a lovely word, Fried from Frieden which is peace and Hof is a courtyard. (cemetery) where David is buried. It is just over a kilometre and next door to a forest. The walk outdoors has done wonders to my mental health. I’ve also started practicing mindfulness and I now notice sights and sounds along the way which made me realise how lovely our village is.

 It’s now over 2 months since I lost my David. I still mourn for him but in a way that I miss him, our banter but not desperately yearning for his return. I would hate to see him suffer had he survived the fall and on top of his pancreatic cancer. I know that he would want me to be more than just ok. In fact, I know for sure he wants me to live a full life, the way he lived until the day he fell.  Just a few weeks before he fell, we went on our E-mountain bikes for a challenging ride in the forest which he enjoyed.

Friends and neighbours are quite concerned and, in their intention, to console me, I am frequently asked if I’m ok. I hesitate to reply with my real answer that I am actually doing better than ok because they might think I don’t love David enough that I am not suffering from grief.

Accepting that death is an integral part of life; I am blessed to be enlightened by the belief that there is an end to suffering towards eternal peace. This is why I really am doing better than just ok. I have his photos in places where was frequently and I talk to him.  His physical presence is gone but he lives in me.

I hope that those who are in similar situation as me will realise that life is a gift and for those who are left behind, it is important to acknowledge and express gratitude for having shared a life with that person. Moving on is living the legacy of the lost loved one.